Marriage: combine finances or keep separate?

[Optimus]

So, this is something that has gnawed at me for a few years, especially as I've seen more and more people publicly sharing this view of keeping all their finances separated in their marriage. I can't imagine it, myself. I had a friend I fished with a lot who revealed to me one day that he spends all the money he spends on "toys" because it's his money and he works for it. He explained to me that he and his wife keep all their finances separate and that he doesn't tell her how to spend her money so she can shut up about his spending habits on fishing.

Well, obviously, I thought that was absurd. There was no way that was going to support their family well. They had 3 kids living in a one bedroom apartment. Yeah... they ain't married now. It wasn't the only issue, of course.

So, Pad, is this you too?? Do you and your "partner" maintain separate finances and bank accounts? Does this work well for you? Or if you're not married yet, is this how you believe it should be done? Why?

My wife and I combine everything. Everything we earn is ours. Sure, I could regret it some day, but I'm not planning for divorce.

So which are you, D-Pad?

 

[Grinchy]

Definitely combined. And there should be one spreadsheet you each have access to so that there is zero question about where the money is going, how much is budgeted for different things, etc.

I guarantee you that couple has horrible finances if that's how they do it. But the proper response here is not to get married in the first place.

 

[Stouffers]

Combine. Youre getting a spouse, not a roommate.

 

[Goatmilk]

Combine.

Or divorce later.

 

[LtGoose]

Separate.

As long as she has money for her portions of the bills/living expenses, IDGAF how she spends any leftover money. Most of mine goes to video games, booze and savings, in that order.

Edit: forgot to add my Dpad+ subscription to that list.

I'd divorce if she ever started nagging me about how I spend my hard earned money.

 

[Calcium]

My wife and I keep our shit separate and there have been no issues whatsoever. I feel like if we had a joint account there'd just be more conversations about money where there aren't really any right now.

 

[Optimus]

Definitely combined. And there should be one spreadsheet you each have access to so that there is zero question about where the money is going, how much is budgeted for different things, etc.

I guarantee you that couple has horrible finances if that's how they do it. But the proper response here is not to get married in the first place.

We have a big finance spreadsheet where we track separate funds for all our big expenditures during the year. We send a little money into each one so that when the payment comes due, we know the money is there.We also track our personal spending funds in this spreadsheet, and because we keep it up to date there's never any question about how much we each have, what we've spent, or if it's correct. We can look at the final total on the spreadsheet and match it up with our bank statement. It's work, but it is so well worth it!

 

[quickwhips]

Combined or what is the point of being married. I'm a pretty open book.

 

[Optimus]

Separate.

As long as she has money for her portions of the bills/living expenses, IDGAF how she spends any leftover money. Most of mine goes to video games, booze and savings, in that order.

Edit: forgot to add my Dpad+ subscription to that list.

I'd divorce if she ever started nagging me about how I spend my hard earned money.

I'm curious, though, what your guys's living situation looks like. Do you own a house or do you rent? Do you two plan vacations and save separately for it? Do you share vehicles or separately each own a car? If one of you has to go into the hospital for expensive medical care, do those expenses fall squarely on you as opposed to shouldering the costs?? How do you sort these things out? Oh, and how long have you been married?

 

[DonDonDonPata]

For context, I'm the sole worker and my wife is the homemaker.

She has access to my checking account and her own card, but I keep her in the dark about bills and finance. She can stay on a budget, but she's also the type to randomly be like "oh well since you said we had a bit of extra money this week, I went ahead and bought…"

She gets too anxious about money when she knows the details. I know a lot of dudes who let their wife handle the finances from top to bottom and I think that's a mistake.

 

[Optimus]

I feel like if we had a joint account there'd just be more conversations about money where there aren't really any right now.

I can see the merits of that. Finances are one of the leading causes of divorce, so avoiding those discussions could help dodge those arguments altogether. What I don't know or understand is how you navigate big financial commitments like taking out a loan on a house if there aren't any shared finances. If you own a house in your situation, does it all belong to you or to only her?? Is it a shared asset that you both just hold each other accountable for contributing to the payments each month?

I don't oppose my wife having her own savings and such. In fact, I encourage it. My personal funds (fun money, work money) roll over each month when I don't use all of it. Same for her.

But all these funds reside in our joint bank account, and we both understand that in times of emergency or tragedy, the spreadsheet goes to hell and the entire account is at our disposal. If this happens and we are both alive on the other end of the event, we'll simply reset the budget and start again.

Consequently we do talk a fair bit about finances. There are disagreements. How we manage our money is part of the fabric of our marriage. It's a big deal, and it is also something that we enjoy sharing together.

 

[LtGoose]

I'm curious, though, what your guys's living situation looks like. Do you own a house or do you rent? Do you two plan vacations and save separately for it? Do you share vehicles or separately each own a car? If one of you has to go into the hospital for expensive medical care, do those expenses fall squarely on you as opposed to shouldering the costs?? How do you sort these things out? Oh, and how long have you been married?

We're making mortgage payments on a house.

I let her know what her half of all bills are combined, mortgage/light/water/gas etc

She pays me her half, I pay the bills. We own our cars so no car payments. For example, 20k on a new car - I tell her to give me 500 per month and I put 500 per month towards it. We collectively pay 1k towards the same goal.

For vacation we plan out a budget estimate and we plan out how much we want to put back each month to reach that goal.

I don't need to keep track of how much she spent on Starbucks this month, I don't give a chit if she eats out lunch everyday. As long as she has her half of the necessary bills, we Gucci.

The savings is our collective pool for emergencies. If she got hit by a car I would use all of our savings needed to pay for it. I wouldn't be like, "well I put 10k in savings and you only put 5k so I'm only using your portion for the medical bills".

She does have one of my credit cards she can use at anytime so I normally end up paying whenever she takes her girls out. I don't ask for that money back because usually she puts that amount into our savings so it works out.

Happily married 5 years!

 

[Stouffers]

I guarantee if your finances are separate, she's getting side dick.

 

[Nicktendo]

Wife = free bookkeeper / accountant. If you are not making use of this, you're not doing it right.

Give her all your money and all your various bills and expenses get paid for FREE.

You can concentrate on more important matter like VG, fishing, and food.

 

[Optimus]

She gets too anxious about money when she knows the details. I know a lot of dudes who let their wife handle the finances from top to bottom and I think that's a mistake.

My wife is our chief of finance. lol

We built a finance spreadsheet, but she has continued to build on it for years now. We have family meeting on a mostly regular schedule where we look over expenses and totals in the spreadsheet. It's become a ritual closing out each month.

The thing is that she wants my authority on decisions, and I appreciate her acting as congress.

She could have gone into accounting. Probably should have. I don't have time to deal with the weeds, and the processes she has implemented carry out the will of my decisions.

 

[Optimus]

We're making mortgage payments on a house.

I let her know what her half of all bills are combined, mortgage/light/water/gas etc

She pays me her half, I pay the bills. We own our cars so no car payments. For example, 20k on a new car - I tell her to give me 500 per month and I put 500 per month towards it. We collectively pay 1k towards the same goal.

For vacation we plan out a budget estimate and we plan out how much we want to put back each month to reach that goal.

I don't need to keep track of how much she spent on Starbucks this month, I don't give a chit if she eats out lunch everyday. As long as she has her half of the necessary bills, we Gucci.

The savings is our collective pool for emergencies. If she got hit by a car I would use all of our savings needed to pay for it. I wouldn't be like, "well I put 10k in savings and you only put 5k so I'm only using your portion for the medical bills".

She does have one of my credit cards she can use at anytime so I normally end up paying whenever she takes her girls out. I don't ask for that money back because usually she puts that amount into our savings so it works out.

Happily married 5 years!

So you aren't really totally separate, but you each manage your incomes separately while trusting each other to follow through on commitments. I understand how that is working. I think this falls into the third poll option of having a shared account and separate accounts*.

I don't follow my wife's spending either and don't care to. Her spend money is hers. I also prefer to leave other funds under her control and don't care how she decides to spend them. Although all of our incomes are mutual/combined, the way we track and handle separate funds is not terribly different from your not caring what she does with her money as long as she meets her end of the deal on the bills.

 

[DonDonDonPata]

My wife is our chief of finance. lol

We built a finance spreadsheet, but she has continued to build on it for years now. We have family meeting on a mostly regular schedule where we look over expenses and totals in the spreadsheet. It's become a ritual closing out each month.

The thing is that she wants my authority on decisions, and I appreciate her acting as congress.

She could have gone into accounting. Probably should have. I don't have time to deal with the weeds, and the processes she has implemented carry out the will of my decisions.

It's nice when that works out. A lot of time it doesn't. Not every woman almost goes into accounting, you know. I've seen plenty of guys boxed out of their own money because they agreed to do strict budgets and handed the reigns to the wife. Not because the wife was so good with money (she often wasn't) but because the guy thought it was the "honest" way to do finances, and in some cases the guy was just lazy and wanted Finance Mommy to take care of it.

It would be different if my wife worked, but she doesn't. We're not wealthy, low-middle class at best. We don't focus on money in our conversation. If we have it, we have it. If money is tight, it's tight. She already knows where most of our money goes (house, groceries, etc) and I'm not really a big spender.

Some couples have access to the spouse's phone GPS / location data in the name of "honesty and openness" and I think that's a mistake too.

 

[Optimus]

It's nice when that works out. A lot of time it doesn't. Not every woman almost goes into accounting, you know. I've seen plenty of guys boxed out of their own money because they agreed to do strict budgets and handed the reigns to the wife. Not because the wife was so good with money (she often wasn't) but because the guy thought it was the "honest" way to do finances, and in some cases the guy was just lazy and wanted Finance Mommy to take care of it.

It would be different if my wife worked, but she doesn't. We're not wealthy, low-middle class at best. We don't focus on money in our conversation. If we have it, we have it. If money is tight, it's tight. She already knows where most of our money goes (house, groceries, etc) and I'm not really a big spender.

Some couples have access to the spouse's phone GPS / location data in the name of "honesty and openness" and I think that's a mistake too.

My wife is becoming mostly a stay-at-home mom. She still makes a nifty sum of money from her work via referral fees. In the past, I had been a little bit over-extended between job and competing semi-professionally as a bass angler. I was running our budget for many years and handled most of the bill payments. My wife very gradually shouldered that burden and won me over. It's been a very iterative process for both of us handing over power/authority to the spreadsheet -- I know that probably sounds funny. I wasn't a fan of budgeting every little thing under the sun in the beginning. That's what we've done, and we both maintain full access to the accounts and spreadsheet. We're each other's sanity check.

But that's really why she worked her way into our head finance role. I needed to be free enough to compete. What actually occurred as a result of budgeting funds is I suddenly had a ton more dollars to spend on tools and gear for fishing. Before that, I often wouldn't spend because other big expenses would drop on us. I was never feeling safe to spend. She freed me.

Now, I'm not fishing nearly as much. She pushed those funds into my professional/work budget for stuff like certifications and computers.

Incidentally, we do both have each other's GPS. She worked as a realtor, and she wanted me to know where she was at for house showings, etc. I was driving across multiple states to tournaments, and I wanted her to know what backwoods boat ramp I launched out of or at least where I flew off the road and into some trees if it ever happened. lol

 

[TaySan]

Women are terrible with money. See this thread for example. If I were married I would control the finances

Selena Gomez is now a billionaire

Selena Gomez rose to fame as a child star on Barney and the Disney Channel. Her latest role? Billionaire. The 32-year-old actress and singer has amassed a fortune worth $1.3bn, according to Bloomberg, which added the celebrity to its billionaire index, external on Friday. It said her wealth...

d-pad.life

 

[Calcium]

What I don't know or understand is how you navigate big financial commitments like taking out a loan on a house if there aren't any shared finances. If you own a house in your situation, does it all belong to you or to only her?? Is it a shared asset that you both just hold each other accountable for contributing to the payments each month?

In my situation those kind of things are already taken care of, so that's not really a concern we have to deal with. I could see where that would potentially be an issue, though.

 

[Stilton Disco]

The wife and I have a combined account for bills, shopping for the home and holidays, and separate ones for our own savings, with different banks.

We mostly don't like the idea of putting all our eggs in one basket.

 

[Stouffers]

The wife and I have a combined account for bills, shopping for the home and holidays, and separate ones for our own savings, with different banks.

We mostly don't like the idea of putting all our eggs in one basket.

Is your wife putting her eggs in another's basket?

 

[Calcium]

I guarantee if your finances are separate, she's getting side dick.

Is your wife putting her eggs in another's basket?

Your wife cheat on you in the past or something? Holy shit.

 

[Epic Nemesis]

Combined. Depending on budget each person has discretion on purchases.

I think separate accounts is approaching marriage with a mindset that can set up your marriage for failure. Marriage means putting the relationship above the individuals in the relationship, especially when kids are involved. If you are keeping separate accounts it's a major indicator that you are not putting the individual above the relationship.

 

[Polden]

Combined. Easier to manage, shows trust.

"Separate because woman spend more lmao!"

Control your woman?

 

[Grinchy]

Combined. Easier to manage, shows trust.

"Separate because woman spend more lmao!"

Control your woman?

Yeah that's where I like the idea of a single spreadsheet you both use, with every dollar earned/spent being tracked. You can even set Excel up to where you type in "videogame - James" and then it automatically subtracts that purchase amount from your monthly fun budget. She could type "retarded makeup bullshit - Emily" and it would automatically subtract that transaction from her fun budget.

No excuses, no nonsense. It's right there in black and white. Even a woman would be unable to argue the logic of it!

 

[Polden]

Yeah that's where I like the idea of a single spreadsheet you both use, with every dollar earned/spent being tracked. You can even set Excel up to where you type in "videogame - James" and then it automatically subtracts that purchase amount from your monthly fun budget. She could type "retarded makeup bullshit - Emily" and it would automatically subtract that transaction from her fun budget.

No excuses, no nonsense. It's right there in black and white. Even a woman would be unable to argue the logic of it!

Our primary credit cards are Capital One and their portals have great tools to track so we just use that. He tracks the big stuff like mortgage, car payments, day care, church donations, etc. Once a month, he says "we'll have X amount after all this" and now we're on the same page. From that I'll I manage the smaller stuff like shopping and supplies.

We never planned it out, that's just what it turned into.

We tried the Excel thing as well. We even set up a share document. We both sucked at managing it. As long as there's communication, any system you're both comfortable with is going to work.

 

[Optimus]

Yeah that's where I like the idea of a single spreadsheet you both use, with every dollar earned/spent being tracked. You can even set Excel up to where you type in "videogame - James" and then it automatically subtracts that purchase amount from your monthly fun budget. She could type "retarded makeup bullshit - Emily" and it would automatically subtract that transaction from her fun budget.

No excuses, no nonsense. It's right there in black and white. Even a woman would be unable to argue the logic of it!

That's what we do too. Every dollar is purposed and every expense tracked against the budgets. When we approached doing this, I was skeptical, but as we followed through with it I found so much money. I found I could finally spend when I want to as opposed to not knowing and just trying to save. It was literally freeing.

We tried the Excel thing as well. We even set up a share document. We both sucked at managing it. As long as there's communication, any system you're both comfortable with is going to work.

It requires a lot of work. It takes hours every month for us to keep ours updated and to close out each month.

 

[Zefah]

Can't even imagine not having them combined. Of course, my wife is a stay at home mom, but still, is it even a marriage if you aren't combining your resources and efforts towards common goals?

 

[Stouffers]

Can't even imagine not having them combined. Of course, my wife is a stay at home mom, but still, is it even a marriage if you aren't combining your resources and efforts towards common goals?

No, it's a sham marriage at best. The husband is probably gay and the wife desperate or gay herself. Either way, the woman is getting dicked/scissored down by someone besides the "husband."

 

[Arkam]

So I am not saying its correct, better or worse. But my wife of 5 years and I keep our finances pretty much separate. This is due to two factors, 1. we are both SUPER independent and hate anyone telling us what we can/cannot do. If I want to piss away money on a new gun/toy/wine she has fuck all visibility or say. 2. She comes from money and we were suppose to get a pre-nup but didnt due to laziness.

While it is nice not having anyone going through my ledger... its kind of annoying that I pay for all living expenses (mortgage, home/car insurance, groceries and utilities) and not knowing how much she could comfortably kick in. The theory (on paper) is her money and inheritance will fund our retirement and it should be very comfortable. BUT if we ever split, I will have been fucked out of a shit ton of money. She did go halves on the down payment on the house and her family has bought half my furniture.

So is it good/bad? IDK, but it seems to work for us. And honestly I think thats what matters most. A legit different strokes, for different folks situation.

 

[prag16]

I know there are people that say it works for them or whatever. But if you can't trust eachother enough to pool financial resources then why even be married? What are you even doing?

There should still be privacy in terms of not snooping eachother's phones and not constantly tracking eachother via GPS. Because NOT doing those things shows trust just like pooling financial resources shows trust.

But I tend to agree with the sentiment that keeping separate finances sets you up for failure.

 

[kreen101]

We still have our old individual accounts because — almost 20 years into our marriage — we've been too lazy to close them and transfer the money to a single shared account, but we share all of our money and expenses, with either one of us paying for whatever expense comes up, as they happen, based on whoever happens to be the one who incurs the expense on a given day. We don't care and can't be bothered to add and divide everything up.

 

[Optimus]

We still have our old individual accounts because — almost 20 years into our marriage — we've been too lazy to close them and transfer the money to a single shared account, but we share all of our money and expenses, with either one of us paying for whatever expense comes up, as they happen, based on whoever happens to be the one who incurs the expense on a given day. We don't care and can't be bothered to add and divide everything up.

Hopefully there's not much money in your separate accounts, like if your direct deposit goes into your individual account. If something happens to you, your spouse could find that the bank won't let them into the account under any circumstance unless you're dead.

 

[Grinchy]

So I am not saying its correct, better or worse. But my wife of 5 years and I keep our finances pretty much separate. This is due to two factors, 1. we are both SUPER independent and hate anyone telling us what we can/cannot do. If I want to piss away money on a new gun/toy/wine she has fuck all visibility or say. 2. She comes from money and we were suppose to get a pre-nup but didnt due to laziness.

While it is nice not having anyone going through my ledger... its kind of annoying that I pay for all living expenses (mortgage, home/car insurance, groceries and utilities) and not knowing how much she could comfortably kick in. The theory (on paper) is her money and inheritance will fund our retirement and it should be very comfortable. BUT if we ever split, I will have been fucked out of a shit ton of money. She did go halves on the down payment on the house and her family has bought half my furniture.

So is it good/bad? IDK, but it seems to work for us. And honestly I think thats what matters most. A legit different strokes, for different folks situation.

It's probably too late, and things are working anyway, but what about the idea of tracking all the bills and grocery costs and splitting them? If you each pay half from your separate accounts, then there's no question of anything being unfair. Seems appropriate if a couple wants to keep their finances separate.

Let her rich family keep funding her life now while you can enjoy it lol

 

[Arkam]

It's probably too late, and things are working anyway, but what about the idea of tracking all the bills and grocery costs and splitting them? If you each pay half from your separate accounts, then there's no question of anything being unfair. Seems appropriate if a couple wants to keep their finances separate.

Let her rich family keep funding her life now while you can enjoy it lol

Well I am the only one with a real income. She works semi-part time for her family business and gets idk, around $30k/year. Meanwhile I make over $200k/year. So honestly I do not mind much as long as we dont ever split (really want that windfall of funds in my 50's!). And we are trying to have a kid and she will be a stay at home mom.

But yea I get what you are saying. If we cant conceive, her ass will most definitely be going back to full time work and kicking in on the bills (she is a therapist so it will be solid money). But honestly I would rather have the kid.

 

[Mickmrly]

I'm single, and I think in marriage I would keep a combined account and have seperate accounts as well. I already use an excel spreadsheet to manage my money, so I think we'll use something similar to track income and expenses as a couple. I think that setting some money aside for personal spending and plopping that in seperate accounts would be the best way to keep expenses manageable. While being conservative with money is a good thing, being a total tight-ass just fosters resentment.